Who’s holding your arms up? Finding your people and why it helps you find calm and beat loneliness
Calm in a Chaotic World Series, Part 8
It feels like the word “loneliness” keeps coming up. News stories about an epidemic of loneliness. People feeling more engaged online and more lonely in real life. Lonely marriages, lonely parents, lonely singles, lonely ministry workers. And while there are a lot of ways to tackle this, today I want to focus on cultivating the right kind of relationships and what they do for us, not just socially but for our mental health as well. The bottom line is God made us for connection, and He has people for you!
I was a rather lonesome creature in my younger years. I told myself that I didn’t need anyone and I would be okay figuring out life on my own. (Let me pause to laugh for a moment.) I don’t know where these ideas came from, but I thought there was some honor in independence. And I think I confused needing people with “neediness”, two very different things.
But these ideas have been steadily worn down to nubs with the reality of life, with wonderful and deep friendships that have buoyed me, with scripture and, now, science.
Neuroscience has given us the term co-regulation, which means to regulate our emotions and return to a calm state with the help of a supportive other. We do this naturally when we rock and shush a baby, but adults continue to benefit from co-regulation. We co-regulate with each other by providing a safe space for loved ones to express their emotions and feel heard and accepted.
In scripture we see that we were meant to encourage each other and work together to accomplish our goals (Hebrews 10:25, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). God didn’t want to be alone, so he created Adam. He didn’t want Adam to be alone, so He created Eve. We were not meant to walk alone through life, whether we marry or not.
We can do life alone, but when we find the right people to partner with, life gets so much better, easier, and more fruitful.
In Exodus 17, we see a group of leaders, both spiritual and military, working together to defeat the Amalekites. Based on God’s direction, Moses tells Joshua to fight them and then supports the battle by standing on a hill above and raising the staff of God. When Moses’ arms began to falter, Aaron (a priest) and Hur (a leader) held his arms up throughout the day so that the Israelites would continue to win. This is not likely to be a scenario we will find ourselves in, but it’s a beautiful picture of teamwork among a diverse group of men.
It’s important to note that while we all need people, not just any old people will do. We must run in life alongside the right people. The right people have similar values and goals, and they know how to show up for other people and not just take. These are “our people”. These are the ones you need.
Our people bring clarity to our battles. Just as Moses did, our people can instruct us at times and also partner with us. This requires a lot of humility and vulnerability on our part to let them into broken places.
Our people support us when we need it. They don’t just say “good luck”, they show up. Being with them makes our lives better.
Our people help us co-regulate. They don’t stoke our fears and anger, but neutralize them with presence and kind truth. They provide the calm when we can’t access it on our own. They raise our arms when we are too tired to keep doing the thing we know we need to do.
Life invariably has seasons of loneliness, and if you are in one of those, I see you and I feel that pain. I think it helps to remember that because we were designed for community, if we take some initiative and put in the effort, that feeling of belonging will come again. It might take some time. But even one great person who gets us can be enough. And as we wait for our people, we can co-regulate with Holy Spirit, who is always wanting to partner with us, speak to us, and bring calm to our souls.
Questions to ponder or journal
What are “your people” bringing to your life in this season? And what are you bringing to theirs?
What can you do to cultivate the relationships you do have?
Have you experienced that feeling of co-regulation? How might you grow in that?
Resources to help you on your journey to healthier emotions and thoughts:
Connection Codes - tool for processing and expressing emotions, great for individuals and couples
Work with me 1-on-1 virtually to develop your emotional awareness and create healthier life patterns
