Leading Children with Loving Authority
Originally appeared on For the Mama Heart
Two weeks after my third daughter was born via c-section my husband deployed to Afghanistan. I would like to say I handled these transitions well. I did not.
The stress of adjusting to a larger family alone was more than I expected, and I responded by growing increasingly irritable. I was prone to outbursts and angry words. I directed many of these at my precious children.
During one particularly difficult bedtime, I was finally able to see my actions clearly, and I knew I would need the Lord’s help to change these harmful behaviors. Although I was the authority in my home, what I needed most was to submit to God’s authority in my own life. I needed to let Him lead me as I led my children.
God’s standard for parenting is his way.
Authority has become an ugly word to many, but it has always been part of God’s plan for the peace of humankind. Repeatedly in the Bible God asks us to obey Him. In fact, He says obedience is how we will know we really belong to Him (1 John 2:5, NIV).
Our culture tells us to parent according to what seems to work or what feels natural. However, God has given a different standard. He asks us to do all things His way, including how we discipline. For this reason, submission must begin with us, the parents. Sometimes that requires that we lay down the methods we learned from our own parents, our favorite books, or our instincts. But as we submit to God, we not only parent more effectively, we help our children understand what following Him looks like.
Godly authority is a necessary boundary.
God intended authority to be a blessing to our family, not a burden. We can see in 1 Timothy 3:1-5 that God’s kind of authority is respectful and gentle. It is wielded less like punishment and more like a safety fence that protects our children when they’re young. The boundaries we give our children are not meant to keep them from sin but to train them in righteous and peaceful ways to live. They are a training tool intended for a season of their lives, until they are mature enough to know their own way and make good choices. In these ways Godly authority working through us keeps our children safe and also enables them the freedom to grow and prepare for a life full of decision-making.
Godly authority is relational.
Godly authority is full of grace and love. He never shames us when we make mistakes, and we should follow the same example with our children. Although they require correction or consequences at times, we can choose to operate in the fruits of the Spirit—gentleness, patience, and long-suffering. In this way Godly authority looks more like loving leadership than dictatorship. Our homes should revolve around open and honest communication, encouraging words, and instruction. In fact, young children often need more teaching instead of more consequences. When we lead with love, we maintain a strong connection with our children that enables them to receive our counsel and stay relationally close as they get older.
Godly authority is gentle.
When things are going awry in our home, our fears of failure and our frustrations often lead to angry responses. Sometimes angry responses get the results we want, but they don’t produce Godly fruit. Anger breaks relationship, creates shame, and paints an inaccurate picture of Father God to our children. It instills fear instead of respect and love.
Dear Moms, hear me say that I know this can be a difficult pattern to break, but it is worth the battle. Step into the grace of God for you and continue moving toward love. When you get angry, ask your kids for forgiveness. Model humility and contrition when you mess up. This demonstrates for them what it looks like to love well and to be loved and forgiven by a gracious Father.
Godly authority focuses on the heart over behavior.
Despite our best attempts to be good parents, at times our children will turn away from our authority. They will despise it. They will become frustrated and pull away. Be patient with them as they mature and wrestle with what it means to be under authority. Instead of opting to become completely lax or completely domineering, continue to guide with gentleness, while holding their boundaries firm.
Ultimately, our goal as parents isn’t the compliance of our children anyway. It isn’t picture-perfect behavior. It is a soft heart that is open to us and open to the Lord. We can serve our children best by focusing on our own obedience and trust in the Lord, as he leads us in our parenting, remembering that His heart is always for us and for the good of our children.